Wednesday, December 7th, 2016

Gassed

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Fred at Real Debate doesn’t believe grilling with gas is really grilling out. He believes in using precious charcoal that could be better served firing up power plants in the Racine area belching out huge clouds of carcinogens. I personally believe that charcoal grills are a conspiracy started by Sam Johnson to force WEPCO to use natural gas. If you want charcoal dammit, wait until I’m done cooking. (I think I need to rephrase that last line…)

Which reminds me. I forgot to ask the mayor today to repeal the ban on using backyard firepits after midnight. Must remember to cut up enough magazines to paste a 12-page rambling letter with demands.

But back to playing with fire while pretending to cook. Some at the Real Debate website have even accused those of us who cook with propane of being wimps. Wimps? Do wimps listen to Eric Clapton? “She don’t lie… propane.”

But enough of the bad jokes. This is serious business. Anyone who believes gas is the wimp way has either never watched the bean scene from Blazing Saddles or watched the Wigdersons grill out.

Let me run through the typical Wigderson grilling experience and you decide if it’s for wimps.
1. Open lid
2. Decide whether to clean. Baked grease or rust?
3. Decide fire cures everything.
4. Turn on gas
5. Find lighter
6. Light gas
7. Wait for blindness to fade
8. Place meat on rack
9. Poke with meat thermometer
10. Close lid
11. Wash burnt arm hair off with hose
12. Fix drink
13. Remember gas is on too high
14. Open lid
15. Check eyebrows
16. Adjust flame
17. Close lid
18. Announce to suspicious wife meat is “seared to keep in the juices”
19. Look for drink
20. Fix another
21. Find first drink, drink both
22. Start conversation with friends
23. Remember to set timer
24. Continue conversation while starting another drink
25. Doze off in lounge chair without spilling drink
26. Have child wake you about beeping noise coming from grill
27. Finish drink.
28. Stroll over to grill while loudly announcing to wife you need a plate for the cooked meat
29. Open lid just as wife steps outside with plate so you both can simultaneously discover you ran out of propane
30. Sheepishly comment to wife, “It felt full to me.”
31. Hand wife car keys while she mutters the names of local divorce lawyers under breath (after all, you’ve been drinking)
32. Forget whatever item she told you about in the oven
33. Fix drink
34. Tell friends there must be a leak in the line
35. Crouch with male friends looking underneath grill as if leak can be spotted with the naked eye
36. Wife returns in time to see smoke billowing from kitchen
37. Fix drink
38. Re-hook up propane tank without burning self on hot grill
39. Put salve on burn
40. Avoid sharp object thrown by wife after best friend tells her he couldn’t see the leak in the hose underneath the grill
41. Restart gas
42. Find lighter
43. Light gas
44. Apologize to formerly hairy friend too close to grill
45. Close lid
46. Finish drink
47. Allow wife to check food
48. Continue talking to friends
49. Take food off grill when wife tells you to
50. Forget to turn off gas completely (see step 29)

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