Wednesday, August 21st, 2019

I think I should send out a press release, part IV


I think I’ve got it figured out.

Senator Thompson wins South Carolina. Ron Paul wins in an upset with 100% turnout from the pimps and whores in Nevada. Giuliani wins in Florida, but is kidnapped by the aliens from Cocoon. After winning “two gold, two silver” in the primaries, Romney decides to compete in the Beijing Olympics. The Hollywood Writer’s Strike ends and Fred Thompson suddenly quits the campaign trail to go back to the set of Law and Order. Senator McCain and Mike Huckabee split Super Tuesday, but Ron Paul does better than expected in the important “conspiracy theory” constituency. Don Imus is suspended again, and McCain finally realizes that no senator from Arizona will ever be president. McCain fills in for Imus in exchange for getting Bernard’s job when Imus returns. When it’s discovered Huckabee is a member of the Bilderberg Group and participated in a secret Satanic ritual, Ron Paul becomes the last Republican standing. Even still, he has to survive a tough convention fight against Newt Gingrich, Tommy Thompson and Dick Cheney. When Ron Paul finally agrees to make the ghost of Richard Nixon his running mate, he wins the nomination.

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