Thursday, October 27th, 2016

It happens every sitcom


(Scene 1: Fred enters the room where RICKY is sitting on the couch, head in his hands, looking disconsolate.)
Fred: RICKY, what’s wrong?
RICKY: Oh Fred, I did something stupid. I just called Hollywood from my wife’s iPhone. Ay-yi-yi. What do I do? If she sees on the bill I called Hollywood, she’ll figure it out and she’ll insist on coming along. She’ll go star-crazy and demand to be in the show!
Fred: Why not just pretend you lost the phone and someone else made the call?
RICKY: She knows she left it here this morning. She just called me on it. (waves the phone) That’s when I realized I made the call on her phone.
Fred: Say, I’ve got an idea. I know this black guy who owes me a favor. Leave your door unlocked. When he bursts into your house and demands money, tell him you have no money, but he can have the iPhones. Then Lucy will think he made the call.
RICKY: Babbaloo! That’s beautiful Fred!

(Scene 2: The living room, early that evening. Lucy and RICKY are sitting on the couch. Suddenly the door bursts open and a large black man appears holding a shotgun.)
RICKY: Ay Caramba!
Lucy: Don’t hurt us!
LBM: Give me money, and nobody will be hurt.
RICKY: Look, we don’t have any money. But if you take these iPhones, they ought to be worth something. (Attempts to whisper to LBM: I don’t think waving the gun is really necessary.)
LBM: What else do you have? That’s not enough! How about that computer?
RICKY: The computer?
LBM: Yeah.
RICKY: I…I guess so.

(Scene 3: Still the living room. The burglar has left.)
Lucy: Call the police!
RICKY: I’m going to do better than that! I’m calling the mayor to give him a piece of my mind and demand protection. Lucy, why don’t you get us a drink? (Lucy leaves.) (RICKY lowers his voice.)
RICKY: (into phone) Fred! What was the big idea of a shotgun? And why did he take the computer?
Fred: (split screen, talking into phone) What are you talking about? I was just about to call you. My friend couldn’t make it.
RICKY: Ay Caramba!
Fred: Look, don’t call the police. They might actually find the guy – and the phone.
(Lucy walks back into the room, split screen ends and focus is on RICKY)
RICKY: (raises voice) And another thing mayor, I’m adding a private security service and I’m deducting it from my taxes. I’m also going to let everyone on the East Side know just how unsafe this neighborhood has become under your leadership. Goodbye! (slams phone down)
Lucy: Well, we better get started.
RICKY: (distracted) …On what?
Lucy: Letting everyone in the neighborhood about the dangerous thief. I’ll start designing the fliers. By the way, shouldn’t you be packing for Europe? Oh Ricky, why can’t I go?

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