Saturday, December 10th, 2016

Some Irish humor

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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

* * * * * * *

A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, “I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, whatever you wish for, the other man gets twice as much of.”

The German goes first. He says “I’ll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.

So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says “Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!”

The genie then turns to the Irishman and says “Now it’s your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for.”

The Irishman says “Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”

* * * * * * *

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.

So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, “Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya’ don’t give up you’re drinkin’ and it’s to Hell I’ll take ye'”.

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, “Who the hell ARE you?”.

Too that the Missus replied, “I’m the divil ya’ damned old fool”.

To which Flaherty remarked,
“Damned glad to meet you sir, I’m married to yer sister.”

* * * * * * *

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions… “Excuse me pal, what’s the quickest way to Dublin?”

Paddy says “Are you on foot or in the car?”

The Englishman says “In the car.”

Paddy replies “That’s the quickest!”

* * * * * * *

Mulvaney goes to Switzerland to climb the Matterhorn. He hires a guide and they’re caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a St. Bernard reaches them with a barrel of brandy under his chin. The guide shouts, “Hooray. Here comes man’s best friend!”

“Yeah,” says Mulvaney, “And look at the size of the dog that’s bringing it!”

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