Thursday, August 22nd, 2019

The genie of the martini shaker shows me the future


As I was polishing the family heirloom martini shaker, a genie appeared. “Master of the Martini, listen to me. You have freed me from the curse that trapped me in here lo these many millennia.”

To which I replied, “I didn’t think they had stainless steel thousands of years ago.”

“SILENCE! While I have been trapped, held away from the affairs of mortals, I did not slumber. I watched mankind’s journey through time. I know where he comes from, and I can see where he will go. Look into my ring.”

With that, the genie put forward his hand for me to inspect a large ruby stone on a gold ring. “I thought that there was an extra rattle in my shaker. Kinda gaudy, don’cha think?”

“QUIET FOOL! Gaze deep into the stone. See man’s past and man’s future, and all will be revealed.”

A little nervous now, I asked, “Oh genie of the martini shaker, tell me, are these the things that must come to pass, or are these merely the things that might be?”

“They are but paths that man can walk following the paths they have trod. Now, mortal, my time with you comes to an end.”

“What about my wishes?”

“Sorry, master of the martini, but I have been a captive for thousands of years. I am off to a place called Las Vegas to wager on American football games. Remember, I have seen the future, too.”

I tried to write down everything I saw in the ruby ring. Unfortunately, the only pen in the kitchen didn’t work so I had to use the dry erase board on the refrigerator to take notes instead. When my wife discovered the list of predictions, she said to me, “Can’t you write your blog posts on a computer like a normal person?” Then the predictions were erased before I could tell her what happened. Which is just as well as she would have accused me of using spoiled olives in my drink.

So, going on memory, a little vodka and vermouth, and the possibility that I dreamed of genie, here are my predictions for 2015. Remember as always, please, no wagering.

  1.       State Sen Paul Farrow will decide after the state budget passes to resign his senate seat to concentrate on being county executive, setting up a primary between State Rep Chris Kapenga and Brian Dorow.
  2.       State Rep Scott Allen will lose his car keys in the state capitol. They will be found by a little old lady protester who, upon returning the keys to the mild-mannered Allen, will whack him with a sign and call him a Fascist. Sorry Scott, but that’s what the genie showed me.
  3.       City of Waukesha Mayor Shawn Reilly will have a barbeque recipe published in a national magazine.
  4.       I will use the word “sessile” to describe state Attorney General Brad Schimel.
  5.       The sandwich restaurant chain Jimmy John’s will include a fine print disclaimer on their “freaky fast” delivery claim, “Except when we’re stopped by a train in Waukesha.”
  6.       The Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Green Bay Packers in the playoffs.
  7.       Republicans will pass an amendment to the state constitution to get rid of the state treasurer’s office.
  8.       Governor Scott Walker will not approve a new casino in Kenosha.
  9.       The Milwaukee Streetcar that goes practically nowhere will be approved by the Milwaukee Common Council. Every time Milwaukee asks the state legislature for money, instead of an angel getting his wings, State Rep Joe Sanfelippo will say, “Maybe you shouldn’t have approved creating the TIF districts for the streetcar.”
  10.   No deal will be made to build a new arena for the Milwaukee Bucks. The proposed “jock tax” will be killed by the legislature who will suggest Milwaukee should just turn the whole city into a TIF district.
  11.   Talk of publicly funding arts groups in Milwaukee by taxing the suburbs will die now that the issue is divorced from funding a new Bucks arena.
  12.   Brown County will decide against keeping the temporary tax that was created for improvements at Lambeau Field.
  13.   Jar Jar Binks dies in Star Wars VII when an X-wing fighter puts two proton torpedoes into his thermal exhaust port.
  14.   Marquette University will force Professor John McAdams into retirement claiming, without any sense of irony, he no longer fits in with the university’s Catholic mission.  The announcement will be made the new Marquette University spokesman Graeme Zielinski.
  15.   The state legislature and Governor Scott Walker will put off the problems with the state transportation fund for another budget cycle.
  16.   John Podhoretz will get a verified blue check mark on Twitter. He’ll discover that it is better than he ever imagined.
  17.   The Ames, IA straw poll will still be held despite criticism from Iowa Governor Terry Branstad. Winning the straw poll will be the high point of the Rand Paul presidential campaign. Walker will officially announce his candidacy in July and claim it is too late to compete in the contest. Wisconsin liberals will ignore history and pounce on Walker’s poor showing.
  18.   George Webb will be right about a prediction before the Cap Times’ poll-aggregating election prediction model.
  19.   Justice Ann Walsh Bradley will easily win re-election. Her campaign will claim she is “tough on crime” and she will deny she is a liberal. She’ll accuse the conservatives on the court of judicial activism. She will also claim that a vote for her is a vote for civility on the state Supreme Court. Then the clock will strike thirteen.
  20.   ESPN’s Chris Berman will throw out his back- back- back- back- back- back- back- back during the Major League Baseball home run derby trying to carry the broadcast.
  21.   President Barack Obama will normalize relations in Iran and re-open an embassy there. (See predictions for 2016, the Second Iran Hostage Crisis.)
  22.   I will be the only person in Waukesha that likes the new garbage cart system.
  23.   The caps will be lifted on statewide school choice.
  24.   German hackers and anonymous bomb threats will drive reruns of Hogan’s Heroes off the air.
  25. Wisconsin’s voter identification law will finally, finally overcome all legal challenges and become law in time for the April election. Minority voter turnout will go up.


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