Saturday, July 20th, 2019

The great toilet paper incident of 2011


An attempted toilet papering incident was reported at 7:47 p.m. Saturday in the 1100 block of Anoka Avenue.

– Waukesha Patch, Police Report: Attempted Toilet Papering; Throwing a Beer Can, 7/25/11

And, of course:

Wigderson’s house targeted for TP-ing
WAUKESHA – Freeman columnist James Wigderson almost found himself the victim of a toilet papering on Friday evening when a would-be vandal was interrupted by a neighbor, according to a post on Wigderson’s twitter account.

Officers were dispatched to Wigderson’s home at 7:47 p.m. Saturday when Wigderson told them that someone had attempted to toilet paper his home the night before, according to police reports.

The columnist has taken on such topics as pit bulls, state politics and Waukesha Mayor Jeff Scrima in his column that runs Thursdays in The Freeman.

“Not sure which mayoral supporter tried to TP my house last night (have suspicion), but installing a camera and light system now,” Wigderson tweeted Saturday. “What a pain.”

Waukesha Freeman, In Brief, page 3A, July 26, 2011

Anyone want three giant rolls of soggy toilet paper? The Lovely Doreen from Waukesha says it’s the good kind, too. I’m not really much of a toilet paper afficianado myself, so I’ll take her word on it.

Why is it that women know much more about toilet paper than men?

So the other morning my wife was leaving for work early when she found the three giant rolls of toilet paper on our lawn. She asked if, by chance, I had seen something suspicious when I staggered home the night before. No such luck, and my neighbors across the street did not either.

I was not going to make a big deal out of it, but when my wife got home that evening we spotted some toilet paper in one of the trees. None of my neighbors were targeted. Just us.

I called the non-emergency line for the police. They really should make that more prominent on their webpage. By the way, does anyone else find it ironic that the two most prominent phone numbers besides 911 are for Open Records and Accident Records? Perhaps it’s because you better call the police for those records while they still have them.

Anyway, I called the police to let them know about the attempted TP’ing of our yard and that whomever it was must have been interrupted. The police asked, “Do you have any idea who might want to do it?”

“Well, I do write for the newspaper. I suppose there’s a list.”

I realize that the toilet paper could be an editorial comment on my unwillingness to take down Christmas decorations before Easter, but I doubt it. It could be a metaphor for the dumping of sewage by MMSD into Lake Michigan and Waukesha’s ironic desire to drink Lake Michigan water. Possibly symbolic of the need to recycle wood products?

I’m not sure what the TP’ers were hoping to accomplish other than to work out some juvenile frustration. Doesn’t matter. Tomorrow another column will appear in the Waukesha Freeman on the water issue. Next week will probably be another column about Waukesha.

And if the failed TP’ers make a return visit to the neighborhood, I’m sure my neighbors, the cops, or I will catch them. If the cops catch them we’ll get to learn if a roll of toilet paper will catch on fire if someone is holding it while getting tasered. Then I’ll get to write a whole column about it.

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