Thursday, December 8th, 2016

Trick or Treat!

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As a public service, I would like to remind everyone of the rules from last year:

StB starts us off with the two most important rules for when you see a man taking his kids out trick or treating.

  1. Offer him a beer (unless he’s driving)
  2. Update him on any NFL scores he may want.

What about if the mom is taking her kids Trick or Treating?

  1. Don’t offer the beer. Most moms tend to frown on the activity. If she sees the cooler and asks, then it’s okay.
  2. For some reason, jello shots are an acceptable alternative.

When the children come to the door, how much candy should you give them?

  1. If they say, “Trick or Treat”, they are allowed one handful.
  2. If they just wave the bag at your face, they get a piece of candy you don’t like.

Are there other mitigating factors?

  1. If the child says “Please” instead of “Trick or Treat” a handful of candy is appropriate. If the the child works “please” into saying “Trick or Treat” then slip some more candy into the bag. Or let them choose from the bowl what they want.
  2. If they look 18, no costume, it’s after hours, tell them to grow up and go home. Unless you live in Milwaukee and they look really menacing, then direct them to the crackhouse down the street.

Are there other rules?

  1. Don’t ogle the sixteen-year-old in the cheerleader costume. Especially if you play pro football or if you’ve been drinking or if you have a hot tub. Or all three.
  2. Don’t ask the kids what costume they’re wearing. Kids hate that, and it slows down the process. Or, as I had it explained to me once, “Look old man, I only got three hours to fill these bags with candy so I ain’t got time for no dumb game of `can you guess what I am.'”
  3. Volume is key. Move the kids along. Don’t spend too much time chit-chattin’ with the parents. Those other kids in the standing on the steps to your front door next to the pumpkin with the lit candle are a lawsuit waiting to happen, so keep them moving.
  4. Don’t scare the three-year-olds. Do you know how hard it is to change those costumes? It wasn’t kids who threw the eggs at your house last year. It was the mom whose child’s Winnie-the-Pooh costume suddenly became eponymous when you decided to jump out from behind the bushes.

Finally, at the end of the day, go through your child’s haul and pick out the “unacceptable” candy (i.e. the candy you like), and also dispose of any candy unsuitable for the child’s age (bubblegum cigar? Did I dress my kid like Baby Herman?). Then look to see what neighborhoods are having Trick or Treat tomorrow.

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