Saturday, August 24th, 2019

Notes from America’s Team


“I’m like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I’m having lunch at his desk every day this week… just him and me. He doesn’t make a move without me.”

“He fires people like it’s a bodily function.”

– both quotes by George Costanza, Seinfeld “The Calzone”

Football season is over, and all that’s left is the Pro Bowl (I hear they play it in Honolulu) and the draft. Then there’s the long void until training camp and the next season begins. It kinda reminds me of that interminable light show in 2001: A Space Odyssey, which I have on as background as I type this.

The Dallas Cowboys, affectionately known as America’s Team, has hired a new coach to replace Bill Parcells. Wade Phillips is the next candidate to bring the team to the promised land, a Super Bowl.

Now, like any other good expatriate Cowboy fan, I am often mistaken by Green Bay Packer fans as being the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, or at least I’m in some official capacity entirely responsible for every personnel decision by the team. So when a coaching decision is made, or some player acquisition is made, not only should I know everything statistically about the decision but I should hold myself personally accountable for a decision that the aforementioned Packer fan would never make in a million years.

Never mind that the Green Bay Packers have been to only four Super Bowls, two of which took place in the era of color television (the Cowboys have been to eight, winning five). Never mind the innumerable questionable decisions and lame excuses the Packer franchise has made over the years, Packer fans somehow feel entitled to sit in judgement over my team and then hold me, James Wigderson, personally accountable.

By the way, Brett Favre couldn’t work with Javon Walker but he wants the Packers to go get Randy Moss. Let me know how that works out.

So the Dallas Cowboys hired Wade Phillips and put Jason Garrett in charge of the offense. (For those of you keeping score at home, “Garrett to Harper, touchdown!”) Phillips will hopefully shore up the defense, which given the talent and draft picks should not have been nearly as bad as it was last year. I think it could be a good fit for the team.

I only have one question, does Phillips have to bring a calzone to Jerry Jones every day?

Meanwhile, we learned shortly before the Super Bowl former Dallas wide receiver Michael Irvin was selected for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Since no mention of Irvin can pass without a mention of his off-the-field controversies, let me get this out of the way right now:

I was the one who bought Michael Irvin the cocaine and then paid for the hotel room and the hooker. I know what you’re thinking. “Of course you did Wigderson! We knew it all along!” Because whenever Irvin is mentioned that’s all I hear. That, and “He pushed off!” You would push off, too, if you had a defensive back hanging on you like a groupie backstage at a rock concert.

So yes, it was all my fault.

Of course, last I checked Paul Hornung is still in the NFL Hall of Fame despite betting on football games along with Alex Karras. That happy incident is ranked #2 on the ESPN Most Shocking Moments in NFL History behind OJ Simpson getting arrested for a double murder. Even Michael Irvin didn’t associate with a division rival when he was committing his little offenses.

But Green Bay is a forgiving town, so I’m sure the Packer fans will join me in congratulating Irvin in his election to the Hall of Fame, just as Cowboy fans will someday cheer the entry of Brett Favre.

Hey, where did he get those pills again?

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