Saturday, July 20th, 2019

Revisiting the visions in my martini shaker

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Political pundits often make political predictions and are never held accountable for them. My predictions are often no better than anyone else’s predictions and they’re often made tongue-in-cheek. However, every year I review the previous year’s predictions because physical self-mortification in public is frowned upon while in it’s written form it is considered entertainment. At least until the campus left catches up with last season’s Game of Thrones finale.

  •    State Sen Paul Farrow will decide after the state budget passes to resign his senate seat to concentrate on being county executive, setting up a primary between State Rep Chris Kapenga and Brian Dorow.

Wow, was I good or what?

  •      State Rep Scott Allen will lose his car keys in the state capitol. They will be found by a little old lady protester who, upon returning the keys to the mild-mannered Allen, will whack him with a sign and call him a Fascist. Sorry Scott, but that’s what the genie showed me.

Have you seen how people have reacted to his Christmas message?

  •      City of Waukesha Mayor Shawn Reilly will have a barbeque recipe published in a national magazine.

Not yet. Apparently he’s a little too busy actually running the city. However, his constituents did get a chance to try his barbeque recipe at concerts in Cutler Park.

  •      I will use the word “sessile” to describe state Attorney General Brad Schimel.

Very happy to say that I was wrong.

  •      The sandwich restaurant chain Jimmy John’s will include a fine print disclaimer on their “freaky fast” delivery claim, “Except when we’re stopped by a train in Waukesha.”

And the construction. And the road closures. And…

  •      The Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Green Bay Packers in the playoffs.

IT WAS A CATCH GODDAMMIT.

  •      Republicans will pass an amendment to the state constitution to get rid of the state treasurer’s office.

This is extraordinarily frustrating to watch. Matt Adamczyk could set fire to his office and nobody would notice for months.

  •      Governor Scott Walker will not approve a new casino in Kenosha.

Bingo! (Pun intended.)

  •      The Milwaukee Streetcar that goes practically nowhere will be approved by the Milwaukee Common Council. Every time Milwaukee asks the state legislature for money, instead of an angel getting his wings, State Rep Joe Sanfelippo will say, “Maybe you shouldn’t have approved creating the TIF districts for the streetcar.”

And now they’re already spending more money to expand a trolley line that isn’t even built yet. There’s already a construction delay. Millenials don’t care if it’s ever built. It won’t run in snow. Oh, and it’s just a really stupid idea.

  •  No deal will be made to build a new arena for the Milwaukee Bucks. The proposed “jock tax” will be killed by the legislature who will suggest Milwaukee should just turn the whole city into a TIF district.

Speaking of stupid ideas, we (meaning Wisconsin) are going to ignore all the economic research showing that sports stadiums are actually economic losers because the legislature and the governor can’t figure out how to replace the missing income tax money. Glad to see the Democrats are in charge. Oh, wait…

  •  Talk of publicly funding arts groups in Milwaukee by taxing the suburbs will die now that the issue is divorced from funding a new Bucks arena.

Speaking of stupid ideas, if there is anybody left who thinks this is a good idea, Waukesha County Executive Paul Farrow would like to take you out behind the county woodshed and demonstrate how the “board of education” works.

  •  Brown County will decide against keeping the temporary tax that was created for improvements at Lambeau Field.

Hey, look at that! A tax to build a stadium that expired.

  •  Jar Jar Binks dies in Star Wars VII when an X-wing fighter puts two proton torpedoes into his thermal exhaust port.

At last, a Star Wars movie that didn’t suck.

  •  Marquette University will force Professor John McAdams into retirement claiming, without any sense of irony, he no longer fits in with the university’s Catholic mission.  The announcement will be made the new Marquette University spokesman Graeme Zielinski.

Welcome to the “Catholic” university concept of Limbo.

  •  The state legislature and Governor Scott Walker will put off the problems with the state transportation fund for another budget cycle.

The legislature has a better punting game than the Green Bay Packers.

  •  John Podhoretz will get a verified blue check mark on Twitter. He’ll discover that it is better than he ever imagined.

Score!

  •  The Ames, IA straw poll will still be held despite criticism from Iowa Governor Terry Branstad. Winning the straw poll will be the high point of the Rand Paul presidential campaign. Walker will officially announce his candidacy in July and claim it is too late to compete in the contest. Wisconsin liberals will ignore history and pounce on Walker’s poor showing.

Well, he did announce his candidacy in July.

  •  George Webb will be right about a prediction before the Cap Times’ poll-aggregating election prediction model.

The Cap Times should give away free Vegan soy burgers if they get a prediction right.

  •  Justice Ann Walsh Bradley will easily win re-election. Her campaign will claim she is “tough on crime” and she will deny she is a liberal. She’ll accuse the conservatives on the court of judicial activism. She will also claim that a vote for her is a vote for civility on the state Supreme Court. Then the clock will strike thirteen.

As Darth Vader said, almost too easy.

  •  ESPN’s Chris Berman will throw out his back- back- back- back- back- back- back- back during the Major League Baseball home run derby trying to carry the broadcast.

I’m sorry. Like most of America, I missed it.

  •  President Barack Obama will normalize relations in Iran and re-open an embassy there. (See predictions for 2016, the Second Iran Hostage Crisis.)

A little fast on the embassy re-opening.

  •  I will be the only person in Waukesha that likes the new garbage cart system.

I do. I really do.

  •  The caps will be lifted on statewide school choice.

This is probably my biggest disappointment. I have to listen to the governor brag about the expansion of school choice statewide when the caps won’t be lifted, under the current plan, for ten years. Even then the income limits will remain in place.

  •  German hackers and anonymous bomb threats will drive reruns of Hogan’s Heroes off the air.

I made this prediction last year so I could make a “I know nuthink, nuthink” joke this year, but it’s just a matter of time.

  • Wisconsin’s voter identification law will finally, finally overcome all legal challenges and become law in time for the April election. Minority voter turnout will go up.

Missed it by just that much. Remember to bring your ID cards to this year’s April elections.

 

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