2010, the year we lose a contact
Predictions, Predictions, Predictions.
Once again, it’s time to shake the magic martini shaker and see into the future. Four or five ought to do it. If we stare at the olive in the glass long enough, a vision slowly appears. A vision of things to come, and another refill. This year, I decided to keep the predictions to the state and local level as much as possible.
As usual, I offer these predictions in no particular order.
- Scott Walker will be the next governor from Wisconsin, winning approximately 53% of the vote to 46% for Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett.
- After the Minnesota Vikings lose to the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl, Brett Favre will demand to be traded to the Chicago Bears.
- Senator Russ Feingold will beat businessman Terence Wall 52%-48%, and GOP observers who had nothing to do with the decision will say the party should have invested more money and effort into unseating Feingold. Those who do have influence over the amount of money and resources the GOP spends on this race will use the final result to justify not doing anything.
- All of Wisconsin’s congressmen win re-election except for Steve Kagen and Ron Kind. Dave Obey has a really close call in his re-election.
- Jim Sensenbrenner increases his margin of victory over the last election even though the Democrats attempt to use the Congressman’s health as an issue.
- The Milwaukee Brewers will see marginal improvement and not make the playoffs with a record of 83-79.
- KISS will be elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley will issue a “Hall of Fame” box set and charge Peter Criss and Ace Frehley a “promotion fee” to offset any royalties the two might earn from the box set’s sales.
- Waukesha Mayor Larry Nelson will not win re-election. He will lose to Darryl Enriquez, formerly of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, in the general election. An opinion page columnist in the Waukesha Freeman will refer to it as “the wingtip revolution.”
- State Representative Mark Gundrum will defeat Judge Rick Congdon.
10. New Milwaukee Archbishop Jerome Listecki will publicly criticize Catholic politicians by name for supporting legalized abortion, domestic partnerships, and embryonic stem cell research.
11. Science will invent a translator for Ed Garvey’s thoughts.
12. Despite continuing coverage of his personal scandals, State Representative Scott Newcomer will win the Republican primary in the 33rd Assembly District. However, he will get less than 53% of the vote. The Democratic challenger in November will not be an issue in Newcomer’s re-election.
13. State Representative Jeff Wood will only be reprimanded by the Assembly. In May, he will announce himself as rehabilitated, and run for re-election as an independent. He will lose in November to the Republican.
14. In an attempt by Louis Fortis to get more advertising revenue, Boris and Doris will review the phone sex numbers in the back of the Crazy Shepherd.
15. Republicans will regain control of the state senate. Leah Vukmir will beat Jim Sullivan, Ed “conspiracy theorists are patriots” Thompson will beat Kathleen Vinehout. Vinehout’s concession speech will be in haiku.
16. There will be no new changes to drunk driving laws next year in Wisconsin.
17. There will be no new agreement with the Northwoods Baseball League for building a stadium at Frame Park in Waukesha.
18. The City and Village of Pewaukee will finally merge. Waukesha will ask if we can build a pipeline to the lake. Sheriff Trawicki will be elected mayor.
19. Wisconsin Right to Life will win their lawsuit to overturn a law publicly funding state Supreme Court races.
20. Plans will be announced to close the Milwaukee Mile at State Fair Park.
21. Americans for Prosperity-WI will have more members than WEAC by the November election.
22. Lt. Governor Barbara Lawton will resign before the end of her term.
23. JB Van Hollen will easily win re-election as the state’s attorney general with 56% or 57% of the vote over “that DNR guy that hates hunters,” despite not finding any terrorists. It’ll occur to Democrats after the election that maybe they should find a candidate with experience as a prosecutor.
24. ELO will see a revival in popularity as the musical “Xanadu” tours the country. By the end of the year, talks will begin regarding a remake of the movie to try to follow the financial success of Mamma Mia!
25. The mayor of Milwaukee will not be put in charge of MPS. Not that anyone is in charge now, except for the inmates.
26. At least one member of the state legislature will see their career come to a crashing end when their stupid behavior is caught on video taken by someone’s cell phone.
27. Brett Davis will be elected Lt. Governor. There will be renewed discussion about abolishing the position.
28. Owen Robinson will be mistaken for me this year. He’ll point out that I’m much better looking.
29. No agreement will be made on a proposed RTA for Southeastern Wisconsin in 2010. Lobbyists will make more money.
30. Senator Russ Feingold will be seen at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day with a mirror as his date for the evening.
Bonus prediction: Jupiter will be consumed by black, rectangular objects with the dimensions 1 x 4 x 9, and turned into a miniature star. Al Gore will blame global warming.