Monday, October 24th, 2016

Star Wars campaign wisdom


Luke: I saw a city in the clouds. They were in pain.
Yoda: It is the future you see.
Luke: Will they die?
Yoda: Difficult to see. Always in motion is future.

I, James Wigderson, predict no candidate will die tonight as the election results come in. It will only feel like dying.

Luke: I want my lamp back. I’m gonna need it to get out of this slimy mudhole.
Yoda: Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is.

I predict that some politicians will say goodbye to the districts in which they ran, never to be heard from again. Win or lose.

Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.

Size does matter, but I predict that well-spent campaign money will beat poorly-spent campaign money. Tri-color yards signs do not put you in good stead with “The Force” or the voters.

Lando: They told me they fixed it. I trusted them to fix it. It’s not my fault.

Candidates are only as good as their mail house.

Han Solo: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?
Princess Leia: I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
Han Solo: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.

Going door-to-door doesn’t guarantee you’ll get every vote. Make sure you are knocking on the right doors.

C-3PO: Artoo says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually Artoo has been known to make mistakes… from time to time… Oh dear…

Pundits are not always right.

Darth Vader: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.

Negative campaigning works.

Han Solo: You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake, well, this could be it, sweetheart.
Princess Leia: I take it back.

No campaign is perfect.

Luke: How far away is Yoda?
Yoda: Not far. Yoda not far. Soon you will be with him.

Ward maps and city maps don’t always coincide.

Leia: I thought you knew this person.
Chewbacca: [Chewie barks something to Han]
Han Solo: Well, that was a long time ago, I’m sure he’s forgotten about that.

The press is rarely friendly, and they remember the last press release you sent.

Darth Vader: Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.

Consultants always think their candidate can win, and they have the polls to prove it.

Darth Vader: The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too close to the system.
General Veers: He felt surprise was wiser…
Darth Vader: He is as clumsy as he is stupid. General, prepare your troops for a surface attack.

Sometimes direct mail lands one day too early.

Darth Vader: Yes, Admiral, what is it?
Admiral Piett: The Emperor commands you make contact with him.
Darth Vader: Move the ship out of the asteroid field so that we can send a clear transmission.

Cordless phones and cell phones suck when recording auto-dial calls and radio commercials over the phone.

Luke: But tell me why I can’t…
Yoda: No, no, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions.

All consultants secretly think their candidates are pains in the butt with their annoying questions.

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

Elections suck.

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