Thursday, January 17th, 2019

Clinging to my guns, religion and Twinkies


The internet was abuzz with the news that Hostess may soon be no more, along with that delicious snack cake, the Twinkie. The company announced it intends to liquidate and fire all 18,500 employees because of a protracted strike by the bakers union. “Let them make no cake.”

I have a soft spot – okay, an entire soft middle – for the Twinkie. Part of my misspent youth was in serious pursuit of the baseball cards that came with a box of Twinkies. Babe Ruth would have approved.

Millions of Americans share with me a similar fondness for the yellow cake, along with the calories and preservatives. How many of us remember the great times mom packed a Twinkie in with the lunch we took to school?

These days bringing a Twinkie to school would result in a lock-down with the local police K9 unit sniffing every locker for the contraband. “Gun, nope. Drugs, nope. Bible? Troublemaker. Twinkie! ARREST HIM!”

As a food item, the Twinkie is a miracle of science. A package of Twinkies today could be an heirloom for your grandchildren. If the ancient Egyptians had the Twinkie technology, they could have buried King Tut in a cardboard box, perfectly preserved.

The news that Hostess might be closing their doors forever is, in the mind of this consumer, a sign this country is not the America I remember and love. We might as well be living in a Third World country, begging for bad bakery from the United Nations.

However, the recipe for the golden sponge cake with the creme filling will probably survive the company, proving once and for all time that the Twinkie is eternal. If the Hostess company does dissolve, one of the company assets that will certainly be sold off is the recipe. Some other company will make Twinkies someday, with the same, delicious creme filling.

In other words, you may not want to look at the nutritional label, but you probably won’t have to look at the union label.

So don’t worry about a Twinkie shortage, and stop investing your retirement savings accounts in Twinkie speculation on Ebay. Someday they will still be able to pry the Twinkie from your cold, dead fingers. Bakery union strikes are fleeting, but the Twinkie is forever. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy.

Until an Obamacare death panel bans Twinkies forever.


Just in time for Thanksgiving:

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