Top ten revelations in Archbishop Rembert Weakland’s new book
With apologies to David Letterman
10) Difficult to find a date to see “Phantom of the Opera” when you’re an archbishop
9) Really wished the Village People would play more church festivals
8) Thought the name should have been changed on the Cousins Center to Weakland’s Weekend Love Shack
7) Can’t understand why that Dolan guy got to be Archbishop of New York when he’s not even from there.
6) The money taken from the archdiocese used to pay hush money to Paul Marcoux was paid back with Weakland’s bingo winnings.
5) Thought he was taking an oath to eat all of his celery, not an oath of celibacy.
4) Closed some churches, rebuilt his cathedral, just like Henry VIII on “The Tudors.”
3) Can’t understand why everyone misses that Dolan guy.
2) Original title, “I’m smarter than the Pope.”
And the number 1 revelation in Archbishop Weakland’s new book:
1) He’s really gay. No, really.